you only have no future if you die (albeit a boring one)

(title edit courtesy of laura)  :)

Being only 15 days from graduation, all i hear when people ask seniors what they're hoping for in their future after college, is "i don't have a future right now."  I hate hearing that.  Of course you have a future.  Even if you are going home, living with your parents, with no job, you still have a future.  Ok, I get it that the economy stinks and there aren't as many jobs out there, but I promise you, there ARE jobs.  Even if they sort of suck and don't make you a ton of money. 

Maybe i'm biased because i'm going to grad school, so i have a "2 year plan."  But i still have to pay for it, and i'm lifeguarding this summer AGAIN because its the best job I can get moneywise...best being $9.75 an hour.  But I think i'm lucky that i have that.  Some of my friends are filling tons of job applications for positions in companies that they are barely qualified for, and keep getting annoyed that "there aren't any jobs out there"   Well...I'm sure that stores need employees, and lots of places need volunteers or interns, and a few months to a year of that can often land you a really good job.  

So what...live at home, have your parents cook you food you dont have to pay for, sleep in a house you dont have to pay bills on.  Quite frankly, take  advantage of it while you can. As long as you're being proactive about the future, it won't last forever.   You have the rest of your life to pay bills and struggle with work and be "totally independent."  Enjoy it.

beginning of the end

its my boyfriend's fraternity formal tonight.  I've gone to every formal event by Chi Phi, winter and spring, since my sophmore year.  My sophmore year I went to winter and spring formal with a friend, and the past 2 years have been with taylor.  I pretty much grew up at Chi Phi throughout college.  I've had the biggest ups (some of the best times of my life), and the lowest of lows (a few devastating hookups and a few broken hearts) and it makes me sad that my time there is coming to an end.  Is that weird?  That I am going to miss a fraternity so much?  It's like....all of the wonderful and terrible relationships I have ever had with guys have been related to that house.  the first guy I ever hooked up with was my freshman year, in that house, and i ended the night in tears in the arms of one of my best friends at 3:00 am because that guy had a girlfriend. eew.  But i got over it and was the better for it.  My sophmore year, I had "things" (you know, "things" lol) with 2 guys, one which eneded up me getting annoyed, and the other actually breaking my heart a little bit. 

Its funny because i'm 100% sure that melissa knows everyone that i'm talking about, but doesn't realize it.  I heart you, even though I haven't seen you in years!

And then I met taylor.  At Chi Phi. And then he pledged.  And out of my 4 best friends that hung out with me there for 3 years, i'm the only one left that goes there.  its so weird.  I know it sounds dumb, but going to graduate school next year and not having that comfortable place where i know that all my friends are going to be sort of makes me nervous.  I have to find a new comfort zone, and i'm scared about that.  i guess thats why i think i'm gonna miss that house so much, its such a comfort zone for me and i'm going to a new place where its not going to be.

I hope i dont sound like an absolute dumbass, but thats it.

irony.

I was so proud of myself over the weekend, because i wrote my art history paper on thursday, and it wasn't due until monday (today).  Last night, I got a little annoyed because I left my zip-drive at home and never printed it out.  So 2 hours before my class, I went to get it...and it was gone. lost. vanished.  so i frantically searched to no avail, and had to skip my 10:00 class to rewrite the paper due at 11.   so much for getting a headstart on work.

3 more weeks of being a care-free (yea right) college student.  i'm actually really excited to get it over with.  i'm tired of writing papers on topics that i don't care about.  20 pages on the influence of religion on the theories of the classical sociologists Marx, Weber and Durkheim.  12-15 pages on ALS.  A 20 minute presentation about my volunteer work at Childrens Services (which i actually do care about) but who really wants hear about how i did a bunch of filing and copying and asking questions about the "system" that  i dont even remember the answers to?  I want to be done.  I want to go to graduate school.  I want to be able to study and work doing something I enjoy.  As happy as I am at OWU, I'm actually ready  to move on.  I guess thats way better than being scared and wanting to stay in this little bubble forever.

there are a lot of other things that are on my mind.  but i feel like if i write about it, i'm disrespecting people's privacy.  I worry alot, about things that are not quite my problem, and things that i can't quite help with, but things that are quite a significant part of my life.  sometimes i just wish that problems could have happened to me, but most times i feel so happy that my life is perfectly wonderful.  i feel selfish and guilty that i have control, i have options, i have the ability to govern my own mind and my own life, when someone i love doesn't...and i feel selfish and guilty that i dont want to help, i just want to never go home again, i want to avoid seeing the problem, i want to pretend it doesnt exist so that i dont get sucked into the worrying and the helping and the worrying and and the crazyness and the worrying.

i am so lucky, so blessed, so happy.  sometimes i really hate that.

Never what you expect

absolutely stressed out.  and it doesn't help that taylor told me to start playing the Sorority Life facebook application and now i'm addicted to it which is ridiculous.  Somehow, I pictured senior year of college to be full of relaxing and hanging out and bar-hopping...not frequent migranes, panic attacks and obnoxiousness.  And really, I don't have any reason to be that way...I have my future lined up, and least for the next 2 years of graduate school.  For some reason I'm having a hard time letting myself go.        I think its also to do with being scared about my relationship.  I don't even talk to him about it because I don't want to think about it.  He's still gonna be in Ohio when I come back to NJ for school...thats most of a year apart.  This is my first relationship, and even though its  1 1/2 years strong, I get nervous about what a long time apart is going to do, no matter how hard we work to keep it going.  Maybe its selfish, i've never been happier and I don't want to jeapordize that- but no way am I holding myself back from doing what I need to.  Then again, its only one year.

Sorry for being mushy and gross, ew.  But that felt good.  And i'm sort of glad that not a lot of people are reading this (hi mel and laura <3) because let me tell you, my life may be okey dokey, but things around me very close to home are not, and when its you family thats not OK, who can I go to to talk about it and not feel like I have to pick sides?  anyway, yea.

HELLOOOOOO??!!!!

i haven't logged on in almost 3 years...for some reason, i was just compelled to check this out again.  Reading my most recent entry, from Fall Semester sophmore year, I almost died.  Its weird, because I TOTALLY remember where I was and what was going on at that time, and it's insane how different my life is now.  So funny.

Anayway, does anyone  I know still post on this ancient device? If so, hi :)  I think I might use this again, since I cant even tell you how often I wish i could explode into words about something.  For the sake of the sanity of my relationship with my BF/the victim of all of my verbal diarrhea, I might write here again!

Welcome Back, Me :)